SHELBURNE FALLS—On Saturday, Sept. 12, 2034, a cow was having a nice meal at Sherry’s Vegan Café on Bridge Street when he had to go to the bathroom.
“I directed him to the hall and told him to take the first door on the left,” waiter Wren Savoy told the press. “I forgot cows don’t know their left and right.”
Owner Sherry Anderson added, “He must have taken the first door on the right, which leads to the freezers.”
And in those freezers he made a grisly discovery: beef.
The cow was shocked by that discovery and now says he plans to sue the café for false advertising.
Health Department head Andrew Parkhull, who later inspected the café, told reporters, “We also found shrimp and several expired chicken breasts inside. We tend to agree with the cow that the café at least appears dishonest.”
According to Anderson, the beef might have been hanging in the freezer because of employee error.
“It might have been one of my interns. They seem very secretive lately,” she told the Bugle.
According to the café’s attorney, Stephen Schmitt, “the cow has the right to sue the company for $20,000.85, but first this will have to be taken to court.”
Judging from the aggravated way the cow said “Moo!” we think he is quite angry at this restaurant, reported Sharon Brown, a local cow language director.
Store owners everywhere said they are appalled by what appears to be dishonest business practices, as the café promises “There is never any beef on our premises.”
“We agree this is making a bad reputation for all our town restaurants, so we will have to straighten this out,” said Tom from Tom’s Seafood by the Sea. “We plan to further investigate this and get our reputation back to normal.”
The cow’s favorite food at Sherry’s reportedly is tomato soup and Caesar salad. He said through an interpreter that he is so appalled at what he found that he swears to never eat those foods again.
The cow’s farmer told reporters, “He seems very disappointed that they let him believe they were actually vegan.”
If you have any inside information on this case, please call the Health Department at 555-3657.
— By Ainsley Bogel and Eliza Bogel for the Greenfield “Bugle.”